On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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