So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
