So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
this is an emotional support booty call
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
