i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
