just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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