I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
