Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Who put my cat in the fridge?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
