So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
