how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
