my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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