I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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