She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
