please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I am naked and annoyed.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
