well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
