I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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