quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
where are you?
Hypothermia
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
