You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize