I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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