I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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