please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
