I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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