i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
