She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
