My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
