I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
