his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
