Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
