she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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