you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
