guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
