I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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