dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
