Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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