Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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