Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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