another moral hangover. fuck.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
