Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
