i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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