I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if only i could text you this smell
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
