Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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