The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
