Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
