she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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