I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
