There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
