I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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