Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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