oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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