Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
