areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
