my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
