Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
