I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
