Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
