And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
