Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
