that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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