Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
