Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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