Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He passed out mid-signature
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
