bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
