I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize