I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
