My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
