I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
